I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
