dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize