I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
