These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
