So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
