accomplished twins. life is a go
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
