I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
