Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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