It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
