Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
bring money and cleavage
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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