I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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