my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize