She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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