just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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