I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
