Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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