took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
