When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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