why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
