Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
