I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
