Tell her she can't have a vagina
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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