I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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