You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
