Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
