I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
