just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
