he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
