Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
