Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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