nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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