i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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