You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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