I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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