wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
