she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
