i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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