i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
