if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
