Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize