Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
