Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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