you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She needs sedatives and a leash
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
