how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
