my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
