We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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