you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
