I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
