I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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