Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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