Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My dick has a subreddit
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
