I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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