Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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