Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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