Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
