Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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