my sisters under your porch take her home
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
