She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
