I will die if light touches me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
