girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
