I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
