Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
