I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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