am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
