Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
